I emailed everyone to ask them when a good time was to meet with me for an introductory interview, but nobody got back to me (Blackstar did but he was a terrible interviewee – see next week’s blog for proof…) so I just googled old questions from back issues of Smash Hits! Printed them out and put them in everyone’s Pidgeon holes. Millicent was the first to get hers back to me so here it is…
If you were called up to fight in a war, would you (a) join up, (b) plead insane, (c) emigrate, or (d) be a conscientious objector?
I’d drink a lot and be an unconscious objector.
Who do you think is the silliest person in pop music?
Gustave Mahler. I’ve heard he was a complete loon.
Ever posed in front of a mirror pretending to be somebody?
I once posed nude in front of my mirror, squinted, put my arms by my sides and pretended to be a worm. It was very engrossing.
What are your ambitions?
Time travel. Time travel and invisibility. Time travel, invisibility and the power of suggestion.
Is there anything in life worse than going to the launderette?
I mean, I assume so but I’ve never been to a launderette so there would probably be some novelty involved for a bit
Were you ever beaten up at school?
Say you could change places with anyone in the world, who would you like to be?
I talked to this guy once, Kevin, who seemed like he had his shit together. I would essentially treat it as a game and see how quickly I could fuck it up. Quite quickly, I imagine.
And who would you least like to change places with?
If you were an animal, what kind would you be?
Massive fuck off rhino.
Or one of those chimps people force to do art.
But all the art would be really violently anti human and also very specifically and worryingly accurately about my ‘agent’
What's the weirdest thing that's happened to you recently?
I was painting this underpass wearing a hoodie with “Definitely not Banksy” and a winky face on it to avoid any unpleasantness and as I was working all these youths on bikes sped through, looking absolutely terrified, then a moment later the whole tunnel was enveloped in darkness and a chill went through me. I could feel hands all over and when the darkness lifted somebody had whited out my work and slapped me with a fine for defacing public spaces.
Your favourite radio DJ?
Do you have any phobias?
I’m scared this won’t end soon.
If you weren't part of what will become a universally adored art collective, what would you like to be?
Part of what is currently a universally adored art collective.
What's the worst holiday you've ever had?
I went to Scarborough fair once. Well, a fair in Scarborough, Simon and Garfunkel ought to be made to visit then re-record the song.
How do you relax?
Defamation of English Heritage sites.
Your most embarrassing moment?
I was once commissioned to slap some art up on the side of a pub, but do to a mix up completely unconnected to research done in the pub, I ended up finishing a 12ft mural of Betty Page on the side of the local council property. The embarrassing bit is that I didn’t think of it in the first place.
What have you got in your pockets?
Put your hand in there and find out.
Did you ever pass your Cycling Proficiency test as a child?
No, I traded some hubba bubba to a kid named Jeremy to forge the certificate, I can do a wheelie though.
What colour is happiness?
That colour you see when you close your eyes really, really hard and the dark goes funny.
Does your mum play golf?
Only against Alice Cooper
Have you ever owned an Austrian shepherd-boy puppet?
I knew someone had been in my room.
Do you like sardines?
The game or the food? Either way the smell puts me off.